I had no idea that my newborn baby's first funeral would be before she was a week old. That it would be for her Grandma. It took us forever to get out of the apartment. Between changing diapers, showering, pumping etc it felt like an eternity.
I didn’t know what to expect. It had been a while since I had attended a funeral let alone a funeral for someone that i was close to. We had a private viewing with Mom first. She looked so different. She looked at peace. I just wanted to hug her. My Dad and sister went off to make some arrangements and I went in a room to pump. When I got dressed that morning I forgot that I would have to pump and the dress I was wearing did not have any give in the top. Cue me wearing Jesse’s jacket and me sitting in a church room in my underwear. Not my finest moment. There was a knock on the door and then the door opened. It was my bestie (Friend Bear as I called her). She was the rock I needed at this time. She was who I needed to see. For some reason she always had a way about her that made the most stressful situations seem easy breezy. We chatted while I pumped. She put my mind at ease a little.
Once pumping was done it was time to face the world. It was time to see everyone that was coming to celebrate my Mom’s Life. Jesse and I agreed that we would keep Lilly in the stroller as we didn’t want her passed around. It wasn’t Lilly’s day, it was my Mom’s day.
We stood at the top of the stairs. We watched family, friends, old colleagues, acquaintances all come in. I had friends that I hadn’t seen in years come in. Friends that I have since reunited with. I couldn’t believe the number of people there. My mom was so loved. She touched so many hearts and lives over the years. Between her teaching, volunteer work and her magical ways.
I don’t remember much of the service. I’ll be honest. It was a blur. I do remember that my Oma wanted a teddy bear to be cremated with Mom but it couldn’t because of the eyes. We ended up taking it for Lilly. As her guardian angel bear (she still has it). I remember walking out of the funeral and my Aunt and someone helped carry Lilly’s stroller down the stairs. I remember standing outside with people. I remember that Jesse took Lilly out to feed her and she threw up all over him and her. I remember watching the kids at the school next door hoping that none of them would lose a parent early in life.
Some family was going to get coffee across the street and asked if we wanted to come. We decided that we needed to get food and didn’t want to be around so many people. We had to process what just happened. My Dad went home. And we went to a restaurant that my Mom loved with my sister. The vibe was weird. We ate. We chatted. Something was missing. That something was my Mom.